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Ahmedeus
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Thu Sep 10, 2009 6:50 pm

Aaron's made me lol hard.
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Rosalind
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Thu Sep 10, 2009 7:01 pm

Whats the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
Spoiler:
 


Ok, actual joke.

There are three men trekking through the wilderness of the South American rainforests, without a guide they explore into the wilderness and it isn't long before they find themselves surrounded by bloodthirsty cannibals. "You must bring us 10 apples as an offering to the gods, or we shall eat you," they threaten, and so the three young tourists scrabble off into the jungle desperate to find them their apples.

The first tourist arrives carrying an armload of shiny red apples. "Now, you must shove each apple up your asshole without changing facial expression, and then we shall let you go." He grimaced at the thought, but slowly dropped his trousers and slowly pushed an apple up his asshole. Feeling a prick of pain he winced, and the cannibals - true to their word - promptly killed him.

The second tourist arrives, too carrying ten apples and told the same thing, began to insert the first. Going in easier than for the last tourist he slowly gets into things, successfully inserting a second! and then a third! and then a fourth! and before he could reach for a fifth, he rolls on the floor laughing uncontrollably. As confused as the cannibals are by this, he changed expression and so like the first, he too was killed ready to be eaten.

Up in heaven, the two tourists are having a conversation with each other. "Why did you start laughing," the first exclaimed. "You could have survived." "I saw the third tourist," he began, "And he was carrying pineapples."
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Fjm2c
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Fri Sep 11, 2009 12:08 am

AarO)))n wrote:
A child molester is walking down the street with a young child, heading for the woods. The little boy says, "I'm afraid. I's dark, and I'm really scared." The child molester gives the little boy a disgusted look and says, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk home alone."

lol!
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Fjm2c
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Fri Sep 11, 2009 12:18 am

A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit. The bear leans over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur"? The bunny says "No". So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass.
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AarO)))n
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Fri Sep 11, 2009 11:56 am

This is my favorite joke EVER!


Where do Polish people keep their armies..........IN THEIR SLEEVIES!
lol! lol!
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AarO)))n
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Fri Sep 11, 2009 12:00 pm

What does it mean when two lesbians fuck?


It doesn't mean dick.
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Ziegenbartami
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Fri Sep 11, 2009 12:00 pm

Did you hear about the Pole who thought manual labor was the president of Mexico?
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AarO)))n
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Fri Sep 11, 2009 12:02 pm

Ziegenbartami wrote:
Did you hear about the Pole who thought manual labor was the president of Mexico?



LO FUCKING L!!!!!!!!! Very funny stuff! lol! lol! lol!
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Ziegenbartami
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Fri Sep 11, 2009 12:07 pm

A bar customer asked the bartender if he wanted to hear a Polack joke. The bartender pointed to a large man at the end of the bar and said, "He's Polish." Then the bartender pointed to a burly policeman near the door and repeated, "He's Polish." The bartender finished, "Now think about whether you want to tell that joke, because I'm Polish, too." The customer replied, "I guess I won't tell that joke after all. I'd have to explain it three times."
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SWIFT
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Fri Sep 11, 2009 12:10 pm

Billy's teach drew a penis on the chalk board and asked the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"

Billy rose his hand and replied, "Yes! My father has two of them; a little one to pee with and a big one he brushes my Mom's teeth with."
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AarO)))n
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Fri Sep 11, 2009 12:14 pm

A man goes into a bar sits at the bar and orders a drink. As he is drinking he notices a gorilla siting in the corner of the bar.

He asks the bartender, "Hey, what's with the gorilla in the corner?"

The bartender replies, "Oh just watch." The bartender grads a bat and starts beating the shit out of the gorilla and the gorilla starts sucking the bartenders dick. He looks at the guy and asks, "You wanna try?"

The guy's respond, "OK, just don't hit me so hard with that bat."
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Ziegenbartami
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Fri Sep 11, 2009 12:21 pm

Letter from Irish mother to her son

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the under-taker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Your loving Mum

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.
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AarO)))n
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Fri Sep 11, 2009 12:21 pm

The teacher stand in front of her class and asks. " Can anyone use the word definitely in a sentence?"

Lisa raises her hand and is chosen. She says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher replied, "No. Because when it is cloudy the sky is grey."

Timmy raises his hand and is chosen. He says, "The grass is definitely green."

The teacher replies, "No. Because if you don't water it it will turn brown."

Dirty Johnny raises his hand and is chosen. He asks, "Hey teacher, When you fart, does it have chunks?"

She replies, "GOD NO!"

Dirty Johnny says. "Then I DEFINITELY SHIT MY PANTS!"
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AarO)))n
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Fri Sep 11, 2009 12:23 pm

Oldy but a goody

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

One less drunk.
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Ziegenbartami
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Fri Sep 11, 2009 12:26 pm

How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?

Cuz if it had been invented anywhere else, it'd be called a teethbrush.
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AarO)))n
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Fri Sep 11, 2009 12:28 pm

A gay guy is jerking-off into a condom. His husband walks in and says, "What are you doing?" He say, "Just packing your lunch."
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Mantooth901
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Sep 12, 2009 12:08 pm

AarO)))n wrote:
Adothorr wrote:
AarO)))n wrote:
Mantooth901 wrote:
Everybody in this forum MUST check the comedian Arj Barker out. Just look up his name on Youtube and just about all his vids are hilarious

You should check out Mitch Hedberg if you have not already.
YES!!! Mitch Hedberg is my favorite comedian.

After George Carlin, he is one of mine also. The quote in my signature is from his last album.
Probably my two favorite comedians are Arj Barker and Demitri Martin. George Carlin is funny too. Also check out Rhys Darby.
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LegionOvDoom
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Sep 12, 2009 1:31 pm

What's red and smells like blue paint?


Red paint.


Thanks, Kari Byron.

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LegionOvDoom
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Sep 12, 2009 1:32 pm

AarO)))n wrote:
A gay guy is jerking-off into a condom. His husband walks in and says, "What are you doing?" He say, "Just packing your lunch."

LMFAO

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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Sep 12, 2009 2:18 pm

AarO)))n wrote:
Oldy but a goody

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

One less drunk.

One fewer.
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Nautilus
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Sep 12, 2009 2:19 pm

AarO)))n wrote:
A gay guy is jerking-off into a condom. His husband walks in and says, "What are you doing?" He say, "Just packing your lunch."

Two condoms walk into a gay bar. One says to the other "hey, wanna get shitfaced?"
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Sep 12, 2009 4:59 pm

Nautilus wrote:
AarO)))n wrote:
A gay guy is jerking-off into a condom. His husband walks in and says, "What are you doing?" He say, "Just packing your lunch."

Two condoms walk into a gay bar. One says to the other "hey, wanna get shitfaced?"


A guy walks into a gay bar and goes to sit at the bar. Guy at the bar says, "Mind if I push in your stool?"
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Rosalind
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Sep 12, 2009 5:06 pm

AarO)))n wrote:
Nautilus wrote:
AarO)))n wrote:
A gay guy is jerking-off into a condom. His husband walks in and says, "What are you doing?" He say, "Just packing your lunch."

Two condoms walk into a gay bar. One says to the other "hey, wanna get shitfaced?"


A guy walks into a gay bar and goes to sit at the bar. Guy at the bar says, "Mind if I push in your stool?"


I once had to explain to my friend why at his new local bar 'everyone was so friendly.' The place was called "Fudge," I mean c'mon! they even had pink light reflecting from a disco ball!
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Sep 12, 2009 6:16 pm

What's the worst part about eating bald pussy?

Putting the diaper back on.
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Sep 12, 2009 6:17 pm

Warning extremely bad taste.

How many jewish people can you fit in a volkswagon?

4 in the seats, and a million in the ashtray.
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