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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Sep 12, 2009 6:19 pm

President Bush is at a security meeting, the defense Minister says one last note today in Iraq 4 Brazillian troops were killed in combat.

Bush jumps out of his chair and yells "My god man how much is a brazillian"
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Sep 12, 2009 6:21 pm

A Cat walks in to the saloon with his arm in a sling and says to the crowd

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Sep 12, 2009 6:22 pm

Why did the hankee get on the table and start dancing?

Because it has a little boogie in it.
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Sep 12, 2009 6:22 pm

Silchias Ruin wrote:
A Cat walks in to the saloon with his arm in a sling and says to the crowd

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"


lol! lol! lol! lol! I like this one A LOT!
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Sep 12, 2009 6:23 pm

Silchias Ruin wrote:
Warning extremely bad taste.

How many jewish people can you fit in a volkswagon?

4 in the seats, and a million in the ashtray.

Pfft, you think thats bad.

A cop is driving past and on the side of the road he sees a man next to a bonfire. As he gets closer, he realises he's adding petrol to the flames of a large pile of dead indians. Abruptly stopping he gets out and yells "What the fuck do you you think you're doing?!?!?!" The man stops, puts down his gas can and thinks for a moment before replying "about 10 to the gallon."
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Sep 12, 2009 6:23 pm

Why was Piglet searching in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh.
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Sep 12, 2009 6:25 pm

Sign wrote:
Bungee Jumping

$20 a go
Americans go free. No strings attached.
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Sep 12, 2009 6:31 pm

Why is it so hard for a woman to take a piss in the morning?


Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese?
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Sep 12, 2009 6:39 pm

A couple of friends are stranded on the highway late at night, and after waiting for a couple hours with no cars passing one of the friends decides to walk and try to find the nearest house. After walking for another couple hours he finally finds a house, an old lady is there, but unfortunately her phone isn't working so he can't call for a tow truck. The old lady agrees to let him stay the night so he doesn't have to walk back to the car at night, and because her son in law will be back in the morning and could help them fix their car.

The old lady is also happy because he daughter is gone for the weekend ahd she enjoys some company. For dinner she makes a huge plate of sausage for the man, he eats and eats until he is full, but still there is one sausage left. The old lady is very upset with the man because he is wasting the food she made for him, but the man is stuffed and can not eat anymore. The old lady is upset and decides it is time to go to bed, she tells the man he can sleep in her daughters room because it's empty for the night.

The man falls asleep tired from the hike to the house and full from the sausage. The daughters husband comes home early, crawls into bed and starts making love to his wife.


The man leaves early in the morning trying to get out of there as fast as possible. He finds his friend waiting in the car. The friend is furious.

"where were you?"

"I found this old ladys house, but she had no phone and I was too tired to make it back to the car"

"You asshole I'm starving, I'm going to this house to see if I can get something to eat"

"Okay, but eat everything she gives you or she'll shove it up your ass."
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Sep 12, 2009 6:43 pm

Jim is in a bar getting absolutely shit faced drunk. He goes to leave and pukes all over his shirt. He says, "Oh shit! My wife is going to kill me. I was not supposed to be here tonight."
Another man walks over and says, "Don't worry. I have the solution that works for me every time." He says, "Take $20 and put it in the top pocket of your shirt. Tell her some asshole threw up on your shirt and offered to pay for the dry cleaning."
Jim asks, "That works for you?"
He said, "Every time."
So the next morning Jim's wife finds his shirt and say to him, "What the hell happened to your shirt?"
Jim said, "Some guy last night puked on my shirt. But he gave me $20 for the dry cleaning."
She said, "But there is $40 here?"
Jim replied, "Oh yeah, He shit my pants too."
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Sep 12, 2009 6:48 pm

AarO)))n wrote:
Jim is in a bar getting absolutely shit faced drunk. He goes to leave and pukes all over his shirt. He says, "Oh shit! My wife is going to kill me. I was not supposed to be here tonight."
Another man walks over and says, "Don't worry. I have the solution that works for me every time." He says, "Take $20 and put it in the top pocket of your shirt. Tell her some asshole threw up on your shirt and offered to pay for the dry cleaning."
Jim asks, "That works for you?"
He said, "Every time."
So the next morning Jim's wife finds his shirt and say to him, "What the hell happened to your shirt?"
Jim said, "Some guy last night puked on my shirt. But he gave me $20 for the dry cleaning."
She said, "But there is $40 here?"
Jim replied, "Oh yeah, He shit my pants too."
lol!
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Sep 12, 2009 6:51 pm

Oprah goes to her doctors office. She tells the doctor, "I have the worst chest cold ever."

The doctor says, "OK. What I need you to do is take off all your close, lie down, spread your legs, and the spread your pussy lips as far as you can."

She asks, "How does that help my chest cold?"

The doctor replies, "It doesn't. I just want to see what my house would look like painted black with pink shutters."
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Sep 12, 2009 6:55 pm

Did you hear about the Tempura House?

It is a shelter for lightly battered women.
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Sep 12, 2009 7:02 pm

John is walking along the beach when he trips over a bottle and a genie come out.

The genie says, "Hello master. Since you have found me I shall grant you one wish. Anything you desire."

John pulls out the map of the Middle East and says, "I want peace brought to the Middle East."

The genie says, "Gee, I don't know. They have been fighting for several hundred years. Have you another wish?"

John think for a moment and says, "Make it so my wife voluntarily gives me a blow job once a month."

The genie says, "Let me see that map again."
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sun Sep 13, 2009 9:18 am

I didn't make these, I don't find all of them funny at all either but some were pretty funny. They're in bad taste by the way.

Did you hear the one about American Airlines new deal? They’ll fly you straight from the airport to the office.

What's Al Qaida's favorite football team?
The New York Jets

What does WTC stand for?
What Trade Centre?

What's 9 divided by 11 divided by 01?
A good investment in real estate. (A temporary dip in the price of downtown real estate, followed by an almost 100% increase over the next five years.)

What was the last thing going through Mr. Jones' head when he was working on the World Trade Center's 90th floor?
The 91st floor.

What's the last thing that went through the minds of the 9/11 jumpers?
Their ankles.

What's the biggest difference between 9/11 and the Oklahoma City Bombing?
Foreigners once again prove they can do it better and more efficiently.

When does a pentagon have four sides?
When it intersects a plane.

How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows since they keep jumping out the window when it gets too hot!

How long does it take to reach the ground from 107 stories up?
The rest of your life!

What kind of pizzas did they last order at the World Trade Center?
Two large planes!
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sun Sep 13, 2009 10:15 am

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDCjIjsZp_Y

Patton Oswalt is one of my all time favorite comedians.
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Wed Sep 16, 2009 3:48 pm

Thank you Aaron, O Bringer of Lulz!
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Wed Sep 16, 2009 3:51 pm

The Gozzfather wrote:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDCjIjsZp_Y

Patton Oswalt is one of my all time favorite comedians.


Stand Up comedy about Star Wars? =/ I'll pass. He's pretty funny as Spence in King of Queens though.
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Wed Sep 16, 2009 3:52 pm

Ahmedeus wrote:
Thank you Aaron, O Bringer of Lulz!

Thank you for finding them funny. Smile When your as old as me, you accumulate A LOT of jokes in your life. Now if I could only remember my wife and kids birthdays as well. Razz
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Wed Sep 16, 2009 6:31 pm

Ahmedeus wrote:
The Gozzfather wrote:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDCjIjsZp_Y

Patton Oswalt is one of my all time favorite comedians.


Stand Up comedy about Star Wars? =/ I'll pass. He's pretty funny as Spence in King of Queens though.

No seriously, he kicks ass. Wait till the end, he says probably one of the top five funniest things I've heard in my life.
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Wed Sep 16, 2009 7:02 pm

The Gozzfather wrote:

I'm with you. Patton is one of the best going right now. VERY funny guy.
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Wed Sep 16, 2009 11:57 pm

AarO)))n wrote:
The Gozzfather wrote:

I'm with you. Patton is one of the best going right now. VERY funny guy.

I fucking LOVE that guy, have you heard his bit about the TV show cops. Fuck kills me everytime.
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Thu Sep 17, 2009 12:03 am

in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Sep 19, 2009 8:39 pm

Another one (probably for men only).

There are three women stranded on an island. The first finds a magic well, throws in a penny and wishes to be 10x smarter. Her wish is granted, she builds a boat and sails off the island. The second wishes to be 100x smarter, and again her wish is granted. She builds a bridge and walks off the island. The third asks to be 1000x smarter, turns into man and then finds the bridge.


The Blonde jokes

What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
Spoiler:
 

A blonde rings up her boyfriend, complaining about how this puzzle of a cockerel and a sunset is impossible. Reluctantly he goes over walks in and says "put the cornflakes back in the box."


Three blondes and brunette are hanging off the edge of a cliff by a rope, slowly giving way to their weight. One of them must fall in order to save the rest. The brunette delivers a masterful speech about how she will sacrifice herself for the good of the others, and the blondes clap.

A redhead walks into the lift of her apartment building, and spots that theres some liquid on the floor. Peering down at it she goes "hmmm, looks like cum." A brunette walks into the same elevator and sniffs the liquid, "hmmm, smells like cum." A blonde walks in, sees the cum, dips her finger in it and gives it a taste. "Well it's nobody from this building.
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Sep 19, 2009 8:49 pm

What does a blonde use to keep her ankles warm?


Her panties.
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