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Lashed_by_Storm
Mantooth
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Sep 19, 2009 8:54 pm

AarO)))n wrote:
What does a blonde use to keep her ankles warm?


Her panties.
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Kwartin
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Wed Oct 21, 2009 9:06 am

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be open when she brings it.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows

them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

-----------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'

-----------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

----------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course.. He'll shut up once you let him in.

-- --------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

----------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

------------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men

until they can walk down the street with a bald head

and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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Kwartin
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Wed Oct 21, 2009 9:13 am

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out
on someone you don't know.

The other day I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Chuck?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right f***ing
number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Chuck's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with Chuck, I decided to call the 'wrong' number
again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an
asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole'
next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad
day,
I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole
calling" would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,
this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar
with our Caller ID Program."
He yelled, "No!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back
and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been
waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign
in his back window, which included his phone number, so I wrote down the
number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had
his number on speed dial) I thought That I'd better call the BMW
asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 128 Santa Barbara Street. It's a yellow house, and the
car's parked right out front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes."
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up and added his number to my
speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 128 Santa Barbara Street, a yellow house with my
black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole.." and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying I was on my
way over to 128 Santa Barbara Street to kill my gay lover. Then I
called Channel 3 News about the gang war going down on Santa Barbara
Street..
I quickly got into my car and headed over to watch. I got there just
in
time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front
of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really works
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Kwartin
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Wed Oct 21, 2009 9:22 am

A blond and a brunette inherit a farm from their deceased father. After about five months of keeping their farm up the brunette realized they wouldn't be able to live off just raising cows, so the brunette told the blond that she was going to go into town to buy a bull. She told the blond that if she got the bull she'd send her a telegram telling her to come pick it up.

After the brunette got into town, she looked at the bull talked to the seller and decided she would buy it for $500, she then went to the telegram office to send her sister the message. She talked to the telegram guy and told him she wanted to send a telegram to her sister to come pick up the bull. She found out that it would be $1 per word and that she didn't have enough money, so she told the man to send the word "comfortable," the man asked how her sister would get "Come pick up the bull," from that and she smiled and explained that her sister was blond and would have to sound out the word slowly. "Come," "for," "ta," "bul."
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Kwartin
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Wed Oct 21, 2009 9:40 am

A man walking along the beach finds an old dusty bottle, he picks it up and brushes it off. Out of nowhere a genie comes out and says he'll give him three wishes, but his ex will get twice as much as what he asks for. The man thinking hard, agrees and tells the genie that for his first wish he wants one hundred million dollars, the genie asks him that he realizes his wife will get double that. The man says he does, he then asks for a mansion. The genie tells him that his wife will get a castle, the man just shrugs. The genie asks what his final wish will be, the man says without a second thought "I want you to take that stick and beat me half to death with it!"
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Rosalind
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Wed Oct 21, 2009 9:45 am

Kwartin wrote:
A man walking along the beach finds an old dusty bottle, he picks it up and brushes it off. Out of nowhere a genie comes out and says he'll give him three wishes, but his ex will get twice as much as what he asks for. The man thinking hard, agrees and tells the genie that for his first wish he wants one hundred million dollars, the genie asks him that he realizes his wife will get double that. The man says he does, he then asks for a mansion. The genie tells him that his wife will get a castle, the man just shrugs. The genie asks what his final wish will be, the man says without a second thought "I want you to take that stick and beat me half to death with it!"

Theres another variation on this:

Man hates his neighbour, genies tells him three wishes, neighbour will get twice that. Asks for a mansion with a dozen rooms, then for each of those rooms to house a glamour models all who desperately want to sleep with him. Then he says "Now remove half my penis."
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Ahmedeus
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Oct 24, 2009 4:36 pm

Another variation:

A woman finds a lamp, dusts it off and a genie appears. He offers her 3 wishes but says that her ex-husband will get twice as her. She asks for a million dollars. Granted. Her ex-husband gets twice as that. She asked for a mansion. Granted. Her ex-husband gets a mansion twice as big. She thinks long and hard what her third wish would be. She wanted it to be the perfect wish. After spending a considerable amount of time thinking up a third wish she finally said:

"Give me a mild heart attack!"

Granted.






Her ex-husband gets a heart attack twice as mild.
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Ahmedeus
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Nov 21, 2009 10:15 pm

This made me chuckle:


I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response:
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, V. Gina
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Ahmedeus
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Nov 21, 2009 10:38 pm

1. A site called ‘Who Represents’ where you can find the name of the agent
that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South
Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their
whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com
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Rosalind
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sun Nov 22, 2009 5:59 am

Ahmedeus wrote:
1. A site called ‘Who Represents’ where you can find the name of the agent
that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South
Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their
whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com

This episode of QI aired AGES ago Razz
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Christoff Odendaal
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sun Nov 22, 2009 7:02 am

This one is old, but fun:

Why does the little girl fall off the swing?

Because she doesn`t have arms.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

What does Stevie Wonder's wife do when she's mad at him?

She moves the furniture around.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

What`s black, red and screaming?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron when the phone rang.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

What`s the difference between a fridge and a baby?

A fridge doesn`t cry when you put your sausage into it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you get when you put a baby into a blender?

An erection.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

And finally:

What`s blue and in the corner?

A suffocating baby in the corner.

What`s green and in the corner?

The same baby 3 weeks later.
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AarO)))n
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sun Nov 22, 2009 9:09 am

What do you have when you have two green balls in your hand?

Kermit the frogs undivided attention.
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Bidley
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sun Nov 22, 2009 4:51 pm

Ask me if I'm an orange.

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Ahmedeus
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sun Nov 22, 2009 5:10 pm

Are you an orange?
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Bidley
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Mon Nov 23, 2009 12:41 am

No.

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Nautilus
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Mon Nov 23, 2009 1:21 am

Knock knock!
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Rosalind
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Mon Nov 23, 2009 4:57 am

Bidley wrote:
No.

Liar.
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crazzycat
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sun Jan 03, 2010 10:15 am

not bad Very Happy
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Mantooth901
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Fri May 28, 2010 10:11 pm

Nautilus wrote:
Knock knock!
OH YES I LOVE THIS PART! WHO IS THERE!!


Ill bet you cant remember after like 8 months can you
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes Thread   Sat Aug 14, 2010 4:39 am

My wife's gonna kill me...
Steve and Larry are getting ready to leave work. Steve says to Larry, "Hey, let's go get a beer."

Larry begs off, "No, my wife will kill me. Last time I was out with you I got really drunk and stayed out all night."

Steve assures him, "One beer, okay maybe two, and I'll be sure and get you home before the street lights go off."

It's one in the morning. On the cab ride back, Larry's really drunk again and pukes all over his suit jacket and says, "Dude, my wife is gonna kill me!"

Steve thinks for a second. He pulls twenty out of his wallet, folds it neatly and slips it in Larry's jacket pocket. He says, "Now, tell your wife that Todd just heard his wife is leaving him and you just wanted to help him get through this tough time. You stayed too long and you're sorry. Todd got really drunk and hurled on you, but gave you that twenty bucks for the dry cleaning."

The cab rolls to a stop in front of Larry's house. He stumbles through the door and sees his wife is sitting in the living room, fuming.

Larry tells the story, and his wife starts to calm down. She tells him to go into the bathroom and get out of that nasty suit.

Larry's in the bathroom for a while and yells out to his wife, "Honey, I don't think twenty bucks is gonna be enough. Looks like Todd shit my pants, too."
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