Ok, so theres a particular passage from the upcoming chapter that I'm not happy with. In fact, I think it sounds pretty dreadful, but can't think how to improve it. Its an action scene - a swordfight - so I want to keep the sentences short and snappy, concisely explaining what's happening in a manner that's easy to visualise without becoming...monotonous. So any opinions on how it flows, confusing passages, improvements, etc, would be greatly appreciated.

Anyway, heres the section in full.

Chapter Seven wrote:

He watched as the shroud of darkness engulfed Aithne, and then himself. Out of the way of the dying sun and into the cold caverns crudely fashioned by time he ran forward, hoping his eyes would adjust to the sudden darkness quickly enough to follow them both. The narrow entrance quickly opened out to a large chamber with tunnels leading off in every direction, and as he stopped to look for traces of the direction they had taken, blinking rapidly to try to see more clearly the ground before him, he felt a large droplet of liquid fall onto his shoulder. Going to brush it off he felt its viscous sticky texture, and quickly realising this foul smelling liquid was not from the cavern; he looked up to see the adult demonic figure attached to the low lying cave ceiling. Unable to react before he had swung from crude rock handholds deep in the ceiling, the impact of his hard hooves sent him flying back onto the hard ground.

Quickly he withdrew his blade, instinct taking over he ignored the pain covering his torso – the uneven rock floor digging into his soft back – he looked up at the demon’s hulking frame charging at him, sword high above his head. Raising his own blade to defend the blow he was easily overpowered by the demon’s brute strength; his own blade came crashing down to his side, the tip clanging loudly against the hard rock. Sparks flew from the cold stone floor – likely from a flint nodule that could be found everywhere in these caverns – and Dieter shielded his eyes. As the demon’s blade slid down his own he was temporarily caught off balance, and – seizing his chance – kicked hard at the demons leg to try and destabilise him further. Rigidly the demon remained unaffected by the pathetic blow, quickly regaining his balance, he swung his blade down once more, narrowly missing only as Dieter rolled out of harms way, and getting it embedded deep within the rocky ground.

Dieter quickly arose to his feet and taking advantage of the demons plight – still struggling to free his blade from the ground – swung sharply towards his chest, only to have the blow deflected harmlessly away by the thick plated skin of his arm raised in his defence. Caught off-guard the demon lunged with an open fist towards him, forcing him to stumble back out of his reach. With a triumphant roar he finally freed his blade from the rock; the small explosion as the surrounding stone gave way and crumbled onto the floor; he blindly swung maliciously once more, still out of reach of Dieter, who in response lunged forwards, harmlessly falling forward under his own momentum as the demon swiftly sidestepped his attempt. Deftly Dieter turned once more expecting another blow, only to be confronted by the rapturous laughter of his adversary; shaking slightly in fear he desperately looked about him for any tool to give him the upper hand and end this battle of wills.

Looking to the ground before him, where the blade had become embedded within the rock his vision became blurred, obscured like ripples on water. Deeply he inhaled through his nose, smelling the sweet smell of the gas rising up from the ground he proffered a smile, which quickly drained the demon of his own amusement. He began to circle the demon, standing over pocket of escaping gas, as his eyes darted to the ground searching for a glimpse at the dark flint that had been struck moments ago, he raised his sword behind his head. The demon began to lunge forward – predictable – and he swung his blade onto the flint on the ground as hard as he could; sparks flew high into the air and with an intense furiosity ignited the gas in a torrent of flames, seeping out into the path of the hapless demon; using the momentum of his sword swing to twist out the demon’s path, he turned to face the hapless creature become consumed by a torrent of fire.

Seriously? No-one?

Rosalind wrote:

Seriously? No-one?

I just got back from work. I'll take a look at it after dinner, shower and rubbing one out.

Rosalind wrote:

Ok, so theres a particular passage from the upcoming chapter that I'm not happy with. In fact, I think it sounds pretty dreadful, but can't think how to improve it. Its an action scene - a swordfight - so I want to keep the sentences short and snappy, concisely explaining what's happening in a manner that's easy to visualise without becoming...monotonous. So any opinions on how it flows, confusing passages, improvements, etc, would be greatly appreciated.

Anyway, heres the section in full.

Chapter Seven wrote:

He watched as the shroud of darkness engulfed Aithne, and then himself. Out of the way of the dying sun and into the cold caverns crudely fashioned by time he ran forward, hoping his eyes would adjust to the sudden darkness quickly enough to follow them both. The narrow entrance quickly opened out to a large chamber with tunnels leading off in every direction, and as he stopped to look for traces of the direction they had taken, blinking rapidly to try to see more clearly the ground before him, he felt a large droplet of liquid fall onto his shoulder. Going to brush it off he felt its viscous sticky texture, and quickly realising this foul smelling liquid was not from the cavern; he looked up to see the adult demonic figure attached to the low lying cave ceiling. Unable to react before he had swung from crude rock handholds deep in the ceiling, the impact of his hard hooves sent him flying back onto the hard ground.

Quickly he withdrew his blade, instinct taking over he ignored the pain covering his torso – the uneven rock floor digging into his soft back – he looked up at the demon’s hulking frame charging at him, sword high above his head. Raising his own blade to defend the blow he was easily overpowered by the demon’s brute strength; his own blade came crashing down to his side, the tip clanging loudly against the hard rock. Sparks flew from the cold stone floor – likely from a flint nodule that could be found everywhere in these caverns – and Dieter shielded his eyes. As the demon’s blade slid down his own he was temporarily caught off balance, and – seizing his chance – kicked hard at the demons leg to try and destabilise him further. Rigidly the demon remained unaffected by the pathetic blow, quickly regaining his balance, he swung his blade down once more, narrowly missing only as Dieter rolled out of harms way, and getting it embedded deep within the rocky ground.

Dieter quickly arose to his feet and taking advantage of the demons plight – still struggling to free his blade from the ground – swung sharply towards his chest, only to have the blow deflected harmlessly away by the thick plated skin of his arm raised in his defence. Caught off-guard the demon lunged with an open fist towards him, forcing him to stumble back out of his reach. With a triumphant roar he finally freed his blade from the rock; the small explosion as the surrounding stone gave way and crumbled onto the floor; he blindly swung maliciously once more, still out of reach of Dieter, who in response lunged forwards, harmlessly falling forward under his own momentum as the demon swiftly sidestepped his attempt. Deftly Dieter turned once more expecting another blow, only to be confronted by the rapturous laughter of his adversary; shaking slightly in fear he desperately looked about him for any tool to give him the upper hand and end this battle of wills.

Looking to the ground before him, where the blade had become embedded within the rock his vision became blurred, obscured like ripples on water. Deeply he inhaled through his nose, smelling the sweet smell of the gas rising up from the ground he proffered a smile, which quickly drained the demon of his own amusement. He began to circle the demon, standing over pocket of escaping gas, as his eyes darted to the ground searching for a glimpse at the dark flint that had been struck moments ago, he raised his sword behind his head. The demon began to lunge forward – predictable – and he swung his blade onto the flint on the ground as hard as he could; sparks flew high into the air and with an intense furiosity ignited the gas in a torrent of flames, seeping out into the path of the hapless demon; using the momentum of his sword swing to twist out the demon’s path, he turned to face the hapless creature become consumed by a torrent of fire.

Quote :

and quickly realising this foul smelling liquid was not from the cavern; he looked up to see the adult demonic figure

That semi-colon should be a comma.

Quote :

Quickly he withdrew his blade, instinct taking over he ignored the pain covering his torso – the uneven rock floor digging into his soft back – he looked up at the demon’s hulking frame charging at him, sword high above his head.

Write it like this: Quickly he withdrew his blade. Instinct taking over, he ignored the pain covering his torso--the uneven rock floor digging into his soft back--and looked up at the demon's hulking frame charging at him, sword high above his head.

Quote :

As the demon’s blade slid down his own he was temporarily caught

Needs a comma between 'own' and 'he'.

Quote :

kicked hard at the demons leg to try

demon's

Quote :

the small explosion as the surrounding stone gave way and crumbled onto the floor

'a small explosion' perhaps?

Quote :

where the blade had become embedded within the rock his vision became blurred

Comma after 'rock'.

Quote :

standing over pocket of escaping gas

over *the* pocket

Quote :

– predictable –

predictably

Quote :

the hapless creature become consumed by a torrent of fire

becoming

Quote :

The narrow entrance quickly opened out to a large chamber with tunnels leading off in every direction, and as he stopped to look for traces of the direction they had taken, blinking rapidly to try to see more clearly the ground before him, he felt a large droplet of liquid fall onto his shoulder.

Awkward. Maybe...

The narrow entrance suddenly opened out to a large chamber with tunnels leading off in every direction. He came to a halt - blinking rapidly to clear his vision and find traces of the direction they (he?) had taken (come from?) - and felt a large droplet of liquid fall onto his shoulder.

Dale: What of flow? My main concern is that it is difficult to visualise, becomes confusing or too repetitive and long-winded (not that I don't appreciate the technical advice, those adjustments will be made).

John: I'll mark that section for a re-write.

EDIT: John, there is a section immediately before it that may help make more sense of it.

Chapter Seven wrote:

“Then lets get to it,” she abruptly responded, turning to face the caves which he seemed to be attempting to reach. Through the corner of her eye she spotted another copper figure, stood in shock at the new figures on the horizon. Turning to flee back into the depths of caverns, Aithne in an instant gave chase. ‘Has she learnt nothing?’ Dieter thought, as he grumbled and followed in pursuit.

Quote :

Rigidly the demon remained unaffected by the pathetic blow, quickly regaining his balance, he swung his blade down once more, narrowly missing only as Dieter rolled out of harms way, and getting it embedded deep within the rocky ground.

No need for rigidly. Run-on.

The demon remained unaffected by the pathetic blow and quickly regained his balance. The demon swung his blade down once more, only narrowly missing as Dieter rolled out of harms way and watched as the blade became embedded in the rocks below.

I'll look more later. I'm a bit lazy at the moment.

Rosalind wrote:

EDIT: John, there is a section immediately before it that may help make more sense of it.

Chapter Seven wrote:

“Then lets get to it,” she abruptly responded, turning to face the caves which he seemed to be attempting to reach. Through the corner of her eye she spotted another copper figure, stood in shock at the new figures on the horizon. Turning to flee back into the depths of caverns, Aithne in an instant gave chase. ‘Has she learnt nothing?’ Dieter thought, as he grumbled and followed in pursuit.

Oh, ok. It is indeed "they" then. I'm still not sure if it's "taken" or "came from" though.

truewalrus wrote:

Rosalind wrote:

EDIT: John, there is a section immediately before it that may help make more sense of it.

Chapter Seven wrote:

“Then lets get to it,” she abruptly responded, turning to face the caves which he seemed to be attempting to reach. Through the corner of her eye she spotted another copper figure, stood in shock at the new figures on the horizon. Turning to flee back into the depths of caverns, Aithne in an instant gave chase. ‘Has she learnt nothing?’ Dieter thought, as he grumbled and followed in pursuit.

Oh, ok. It is indeed "they" then. I'm still not sure if it's "taken" or "came from" though.

Definitely taken. The ran into the caves to chase the demon, they started outside them.

Rosalind wrote:

truewalrus wrote:

Rosalind wrote:

EDIT: John, there is a section immediately before it that may help make more sense of it.

Chapter Seven wrote:

“Then lets get to it,” she abruptly responded, turning to face the caves which he seemed to be attempting to reach. Through the corner of her eye she spotted another copper figure, stood in shock at the new figures on the horizon. Turning to flee back into the depths of caverns, Aithne in an instant gave chase. ‘Has she learnt nothing?’ Dieter thought, as he grumbled and followed in pursuit.

Oh, ok. It is indeed "they" then. I'm still not sure if it's "taken" or "came from" though.

Definitely taken. The ran into the caves to chase the demon, they started outside them.

But the scene takes place inside the cave, so it is also the path they had come from in order to enter the cave. It may be that either one works.

For example, say there's a path, you take it and run into someone. Do you tell them that you had taken that path, or that you had come from that path?
I believe you "take" a path and then "come from" the path as opposed to "take" a path and then "had taken" the path. I could be wrong, or they could both be right. Just sounded weird when I read it.

In your example? Come from. But if you are trying to follow someone, wouldn't it be the path they had taken?

Come from - coming towards.
Taken - going away from.

Rosalind wrote:

In your example? Come from. But if you are trying to follow someone, wouldn't it be the path they had taken?

Come from - coming towards.
Taken - going away from.

Oh, I see what you're saying. But then it's not "they", it should be "she", as the focus is the other character in the story, not him, I believe.

truewalrus wrote:

Rosalind wrote:

In your example? Come from. But if you are trying to follow someone, wouldn't it be the path they had taken?

Come from - coming towards.
Taken - going away from.

Oh, I see what you're saying. But then it's not "they", it should be "she", as the focus is the other character in the story, not him, I believe.

Except technically he's following them both, as she too is following the demon.

Rosalind wrote:

truewalrus wrote:

Rosalind wrote:

In your example? Come from. But if you are trying to follow someone, wouldn't it be the path they had taken?

Come from - coming towards.
Taken - going away from.

Oh, I see what you're saying. But then it's not "they", it should be "she", as the focus is the other character in the story, not him, I believe.

Except technically he's following them both, as she too is following the demon.

OOOhhhhhh, ok I got it. My mistake. You may want to put "Aithne and the demon had taken" then, because your subject switches from both of them, to just him.

Probably not as clear without the rest of it, but that hasn't been checked yet. Plus, I figured nobody would read it if I posted the whole thing

Rosalind wrote:

Probably not as clear without the rest of it, but that hasn't been checked yet. Plus, I figured nobody would read it if I posted the whole thing

. Reading long stories online is tough on the eyes .

truewalrus wrote:

Rosalind wrote:

Probably not as clear without the rest of it, but that hasn't been checked yet. Plus, I figured nobody would read it if I posted the whole thing

. Reading long stories online is tough on the eyes .

Well, theres only one other "Fiction" topic here so if you ever get curious...

Rosalind wrote:

truewalrus wrote:

Rosalind wrote:

Probably not as clear without the rest of it, but that hasn't been checked yet. Plus, I figured nobody would read it if I posted the whole thing

. Reading long stories online is tough on the eyes .

Well, theres only one other "Fiction" topic here so if you ever get curious...

Once school starts, I'll have plenty of time to read through the entire story. It'll be an excellent means to get through class quickly.

If anyone cares, the rest of the chapter is now in the main thread for it.